| So. I'm almost deciding whether I should even try to look back... or if I can just move on.
Ode to the renewed, happy me. The I don't give a fuck life's all about living in the here and now don't waste a minute me. It's good to feel pain, but it's also good when that pain is something tangible - someting reachable and thus appeasable. Unfortunately, the nonattainable pain that comes from a state of mind is much harder to solve. People will come and go, but who we are will remain constant. Every single thing we do adds up in the long run. I have to ask myself though, is this happiness only a temporary thing...good now but ready to crash in the near future. Is it really me and my own reactions to things that are creating this newfound satisfaction in life? ... or is it just lack of drama? ... I hope and believe it to be the first case - in which case i think i'll be okay from now on.... No, I don't 'think' i will... but i 'know' i will.
Oh college... what do you have in store for us? I see lives changing everyday before my eyes, and seeing as I just made a change myself, I'm more enthusiastic about the uncertainty that lies in our future than I ever was. Yes, living far away from home in a new environment and meeting new people will challenge me in ways i never believed possible... but, I think for the first time in my life I am ready and willing to take on that challenge. I'm going to make these next four years (and the many to come after) the 'best years of my life'. I don't say that as having with 'great expectations' because the only high standards I set in life are for myself.... and I don't expect things from anyone or anwhere else in life. I'm also not saying that as a way to contrast my past, as if it were some incredibly 'horrible' experience. It definately wasn't. There were good and bad times both.
When i made this xanga in the middle of last year, I think more than anything it was meant for me to curl in self-pity and bitch about those trivial things in life we all 'spend so much time thinking about' but in the end of the day it could really matter less... That should have been my first signal that I was headed in the wrong direction, that this wasn't me, that I'd much rather sit back and watch a movie or talk to people or learn something, or think about things that matter... but not sit and bitch. I haven't written anything of worth on this for a long time... maybe because I could no longer put what I was thinking into words, or I simply started to realize my underlying dissapointement towards myself. Everyone has ups and downs in life, and though I was the same person who I am now, I was definately in the lowest ditch I've ever fallin in my life. Now that I'm out, instead of deserting this thing and shutting out that past of my life, I'll hang in here with my new and reformed ideas and maintain this thing as a reminder.
The remainder of this final year and then college... I can't even begin to comprehend all that I will know and learn and experience (both useless shit and things of worth). Everyone has those defining 'stages of maturity' and it varies for each person. I recently asked someone if they could pick out my time of this 'change' and when I had become so called 'mature' (or if I even had yet). After some thought... the answer I was give was one that I've always known (except for the past year of course): "Shreya... you've always been mature". That's it right there. Perhaps I felt 'left out' when I was unable to act or feel the way most teenagers did in high school (rebellious, remorseful, jealous, horny)... and it somehow got to me last year. Ofcourse that was a part of me that had not grown with my otherwise increasing maturity... my simple acceptance of who I am. I'm not some distraught, tormented child who's an unsolvable mystery... I have layers but that's about it. I am who I am. And if that's not 'interesting enough' or 'emo/depressing enough' then too bad... it's me and it's all anyone's going to get. Music*, movies, some friends and family... it was what remained with me last year while everything else slowly broke down.
In the end... I'm here, and that's about it. My time is done being wasted.
* Actually, though most of my music was okay... there were some aspects of a so called 'branching out taste' that actually sucked ass... and god forbid any of that shit ever lands itself on my ipod again. |
according to the Indian Calendar. And how amazing, that this is thefirst time I am truly happy in a long long time. I am all caught up now and still getting there .... and I'm going to try and maintain this (I think i can). Thank's for helping me when i'm down, you all really know how to bring me back UP!. I have realized that i'll never be able to just 'let it go' and 'not care'.... so instead i'm going to care, but in a good and positive way. Ode to this day. and Happy Birthay To me! 
